Hey everyone!! I’m Heather from EveryyDayy . Some of you may know me, some may not. It’s nice to meet you all! I want to thank Jon for setting up this blog swap, and volunteering to swap with me when my partner bailed.
The past few weeks I have been driving myself a little crazy with my life decisions. Has anyone actually followed through with their “plan”? If so how’d you manage it. I need some pointers because my dreams seem to travel further and further away with every decision I make. I’m having an unusually hard time dealing with this right now. To the point where I am going back onto anti depressants that I’ve been off of for over a year, so that instead of feeling disappointment daily, maybe I’ll just go numb.
4 years ago if you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I had it all planned out. I was going to go to Design school at Columbia College in Chicago, while attending classes there I’d also be working on my business degree on the side. All while working for an event planning company or design firm. As well as a small little cafe in the city, where I’d learn every aspect of running my own business, and network like crazy. After graduation from Columbia College, I would then go on to work for a prestigious design firm or event planning company full time, work my way up to the top until finally, I was able to open my own company. I didn’t need a man in my life. I was strong enough on my own. Yep. That was my plan.
But instead I decided not to move to Chicago. Why you ask? Well because I was dating, who I thought was the man of my dreams, and I wouldn’t dare leave him especially to move to Chicago. See I dated this guy all through high school, we fought, he cheated on me, I cheated on him, we fought some more, we had sex. That’s about all our relationship was. But I thought that it was love. I went on thinking that for another year and a half after I graduated high school as well. I ended up working on a Public Relations degree at East Carolina University with a minor in business. He lived about 3 hours away and would come to visit quite often. I was okay with all of this. Knowing that it wasn’t what I truly wanted, it continued until my sophomore year in college. I was finally done. Done putting my dreams on hold for someone who didn’t treat me that way I deserved. Done.
I met a guy through a friend (long drawn out story, that I will elaborate on at a later date ) Jay. He started out as just a tutor/friend. Nothing more. Slowly but surely (in a very fast way) I began to fall for him. Why? Because he was perfect. There was nothing about him that I would change. Not a single thing. He was great looking, he was built, he had beautiful teeth (yes major turn-on for me), on top of it all his personality was amazing. For once I felt like a person, and not a toy. He treated me with respect, and let me know that I deserved a lot more then what I was getting from my current relationship. Unfortunately I met him a little too late. A few days later (maybe a week or so) I made the decision to move back to my dad’s house and do online classes for a little while–There was an incident that occurred that I couldn’t deal with as well as I thought, and removing myself from that environment was crucial to my sanity.
December came, exams ended and I packed up all of my things. Loaded them into my brand new Chevy Cobalt and headed to Virginia for 9 months. Several rumors started that I was pregnant and I was going away to have my baby, so no one would know about it. Even one that I was checking into a psych ward (you’ve got to love your enemies–I swear) however none of them where true. The truth was, I couldn’t handle what was going on in my life. I was depressed, exhausted–physically, mentally, emotionally. I had a severe case of mono, and I had to get away from everything for a while.
So I moved to my dad’s up in Culpeper Virginia. I got a gym membership. Started working out like crazy. Almost too much. But I loved it. My dad got me a trainer. Who worked me like you wouldn’t believe. I scored a job at Starbucks in Warrenton (a town over) because all that we had in Culpeper was a Walmart, and the beginning constructions of a Target. Of course we had a few other things. Dairy Queen, where I worked my first job when I was 16, KB Toys, a run down Belk, Fashion Bug, Shoe Show, and other bummy places that should be torn down and completely rebuilt. I loved my job at Starbucks. Everything about it. I still do love it and wish every day that I was still working there.
I moved to my dad’s single. Jay and I where ‘talking’ not dating. We had become best friends in about a months time. Also in that time I somehow fell in love with him. Of course I didn’t tell be because I wasn’t sure I wanted it, what he would say, or if I could handle its consequences. New Years eve came a long and Jay invited to a Carolina Hurricanes game with his family, and then it happened. I was so happy. Happier then I had been in a long time. It was a feeling that I wasn’t really used to.
I returned to school in August of 2007 and I changed my major to the one I thought I wanted to do more then PR, Interior Design. My passion in life is art, and design. All sorts. Not just decorating. Actually designing. My high school actually offered Interior Desgin classes which of course I took along with 5 semesters of art, including independent study. I figured it would be a breeze. It wouldn’t be hard, because of course I love interior design, so what would be so bad. Right? Yea, well apparently I thought wrong. I started falling behind in classes and not being able to catch up. I was sleeping through them, and there was nothing I could do. I was in such a deep depression that even Jay couldn’t help me. I ended up completely withdrawing from the University on Medical. For my severe depression.This time was different. My dad came down from Virginia to move me back to my mom’s house in Apex, North Carolina.
I found a job at a marketing firm that turned into a huge scam. I was conned out of my last 3 paychecks (over $1400) that I still haven’t seen yet. After that, I got my job back at Old Navy for the holidays. My car broke down Christmas eve, and I couldn’t make it to work because I didn’t have a ride (the day after Christmas) my general manager thought I was lying, when my car was sitting (broken down) in the Old Navy parking lot and fired me. A few weeks later I started working for a lady named Stephanie in Holly Springs, North Carolina as a live-in Nanny. Holly Springs is only about 2 1/2 minutes away from my house, but she insisted that I live in her attic that way I could be on call 24/7. Which I was. Even on my days off I was still on call, and would be called. I watched 2 boys. One was 2 1/2 the other was 6. I was with the 2 1/2 year old all the time. It got to the point where he was calling me Momma Header. Her demands became very unreasonable and I left. On fairly bad terms. Though I felt a million times better when I did. I was not only caring for her 2 boys, but her as well. I made her bed, did her laundry, cooked her dinner, etc. It was a little too much for too little pay.
Shortly after I left I got a job at Walgreens. I moved into my apartment with Jay and here I am. In Greenville North Carolina. I worked at BB&T for several months but January came and I was let go for a bogus reason. Now I am an assistant property manager at a student community about 3 blocks from campus. I love it there, but having encounters with students who are graduating in 2 weeks, every day, knowing that I am supposed to be getting my graduation plans together as well is very hard. It’s a constant reminder of something that i’ve failed at. However this position is fairly close to what I want to do, and it is definitely a great learning experience.
Where the hell did my plan go? I have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. I’d love to still go to design school. Finish my business degree, and open a studio. In the past 6 months I have managed to gain 65 lbs. No exageration whatsoever. I dread waking up in the morning and going into work. My clothes don’t fit. My hair never does what I want it to do. My makeup is always bad, and I’m pail. Yet I get out of bed every morning, and I make it through my day. Because though times are pretty crappy, that’s what you do. You bite your lip and deal with it.
Reading this made me speechless. I have nowhere near that kind of experience in life and I bet that must really shaped you somehow. Sure there are things that don’t happen or wish never happened in my life too, but these things are like a kick for people to put them back into perspectives. What they wanna do, what they should do, the obstacles, etc.
I hope someday soon you get to do what you really want in your life again, maybe go back to school and finish it the way you want. Yes we bite our lips and deal with situations that may not always be pleasant, but we should not give up on dreams too right? Hang in there. I really admire yo, reading all this.